I had intended to create some bastardized parody of R. Kelly’s now perrennial classic, but I’m lazy, and that would be dumb, so I did this.

It’s something seen rarely outside of television sitcoms and scenarios in which poor, poor Emilio has his mutha-fuckin’ eyes gouged-out, but yesterday, I got to live a little. I got trapped in the elevator! And it was awesome! Here’s how you can get stuck in an elevator too!

1) Find the oldest, funkiest smelling elevator you know of (if it creaks, is really loud, or kinda sputters, this is a plus).
2) Get in, press a button, why don’t you?
3) Elevator has to seem like it’s not moving (You might not be able to do that on your own, but keep riding the thing until it does it).
4) Check to see if the elevator is moving by pressing every floor button. It shouldn’t work. If it did, you didn’t get stuck.
5) Try the open door buttons (however they shouldn’t work, or if they do, they reveal you are between floors; a major plus).

Intermission: At this point, look around you. Are there other people in the elevator? If so, feel free to A) Inform them that they are in fact now trapped with you in an elevator, allowing them to panic thusly. Or B) tell them this is the slowest elevator on campus and act like you know what’s up. Hell, there’s even C) start pretending that you’re crazy, and then inform that they’re trapped in the elevator with you.

6) Look for a phone in the elevator. (There wasn’t one in mine, but hey, elevators is elevators, not talky-boxes)
7) Call someone either via mobile, or “I is trapped in elevator” phone (if offered).
8) Be patient with the person on the other end of the phone. They’ll be assuming that you’re freaking out and shitting yourself with terror, when really, you find the situation kinda funny.
9) Sit down and start doing homework (you’re gonna be there for a while, it’ll be good to get things done. Besides, you didn’t bring a music or video player).
10) Don’t even think about the bathroom. Don’t. It’s best that way.
11) Wait for “rescue” by “professionals” (This is arguably the longest step, and be sure to scoff when the police officer offers you an ambulance. Where are you going to go in it?).
12) Tell all your friends in a rediculous manner about how you spent almost an hour in an elevator, keepin’ it real.

Oh yes. NOW YOU CAN DO THIS! ELEVATOR PARTAY! Here is a photo from when I was trapped.

My flame thrower was really messing up folk. I wish I had seen giant rock dude though. He would have loved to have been on fire. I got a wicked amount of points.