So you’re a mover, huh? Well HOT SHOT, this is a helpful guide to those who want to move in Iowa City.

Step 1:

Don’t. Just stay put. Or, early in the game, you gotta do your homework.

Find a landlord, and a house that are both A) Reliable, B) Close to where you need to be, and C) Not going to raise your rent every year by $300.

So you didn’t do that, huh? Ok, well then, let’s get down to business.

The Scene:

Moving season in Iowa City goes something like this:

“Hey.”

“Hey. What’s up?”

“So, do you like, have a new place lined up?”

“Totally do.”

“Awesome. Where?”

“Oh, y’know, close to downtown, just the way I like it.”

“Awesome. When do you move?”

“Tomorrow.”

“No way, you’re not even packed.”

“Ha, I know, right? That’s how I like to roll.”

Don’t move in with this guy. He’s a dumbass

Leap Days:

Totally awesome right? Sorta. It certainly doesn’t help that moving days in Iowa City also have what are called “leap days”. These are days that you’ve been kicked out of your old place, but can’t quite move into the new place. You need to find a space for you and your stuff for twenty-four hours, sometimes more. Wicked.

Sometimes you crash with a friend (preferably one that isn’t moving). Sometimes you try to call home and see if mom and pops will take you (and your stuff) back in for a night. Or sometimes you just sleep in the gutter, wrapped up in your futon igloo. Awesome.

The Heat:

Most leases in Iowa City end on July 31st. Some before some after. But typically that’s the spot. They typically start on the 1st of August, but that can be stretched due to cleaning. What is key to the moving process that few tell you about is the fact that August is the HOTTEST, most highest humidity having time of the year in Iowa. I’m not being scientific, but the eye-sweat-sting factor is always at a premium. I can stand still, in the shade, reading and still sweat profusely. This makes moving difficult for the following reasons:

Dehydration: You get sick from heat, and you’re sick of moving.

Eye Sting: Your sweat crawls into your peepers and makes them weep, partially due to the salt content, and a little bit of o’ cry for seeing how much shit is there is left to move.

Fatigue: Sick and tired from heat? Nah, you’re probably just tired of moving yourself, your best friends, their friends, and then some guy you don’t even know, and after a few conversations, are pretty sure you hate.

Sweat-related dropping of items (AKA THE BUTTERFINGERS): You broke their dishes, and did so much damage when you dropped the couch in the door frame, that it’s unlikely that they’re ever going to see the deposit back. NICE.

The Marathon:

College, some have said is about building connections to people that may last the rest of your life. So now that you’re well connected, it’s become increasingly likely that you’re not the only one moving either. Maybe your sweet new friends didn’t like their landlord, or their party happy neighbors, or maybe your friend’s cousin just got a sweet new deal on a place where they don’t have to pay for utilities, or maybe just maybe, they were forcefully evicted for their vast (and truly impressive) collection of molds and fungi. In short, you’ll be moving a lot of people.

The Marathon sadly can last for an entire week, during which time, you’ll be moving somebody everyday of the week and weekend, until finally, everybody is settled in. That’s when you get a Gatorade and a break, and hopefully, some pizza (or chinese takeout depending on the occasion).

The Process:

It’ll start out with packing and cleaning, which largely makes up the July 20-28. Following that is the freak-out phase which will take up most of the 29-30. During the freak-out phase, don’t bring up adverse news, as it may lead to you being choked by those you once thought very near and dear to you. Don’t take it personally. They just want you the messenger to die. These things happen. Following the freak-outs, comes the “fuck-it” phase. A classic. From July 30-31st, nothing matters. Forgot to mop the floor? Fuck it. Hole in the wall? Fuck it. Screens broken? Fuck it. Body in the basement? Fuck it, it’s not your problem anymore. To hell with the landlord, you just need to get the hell out. Take out food is once again a common at this time in the process. As August 1st is a trouble spot (you may not be allowed in to your place yet) we’ll expand this to the FIRST WEEK of August. This phase is called “Huh. New place.” All your potential excitement for a new place will be utterly destroyed upon the first visit after the old tennants move out, at which time the place smells weird. You don’t know why, but it seemed a lot nicer when you saw the place with all the other people’s stuff. It also didn’t smell like this. You can’t put your finger on it, but you’re pretty sure you now hate the place you signed a legal contract to spend the next 12 months occupying. Totally awesome.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

If you enjoyed this first part in the series, wait until I recant you the misadventures of my latest move. Complete with stories such as “The Old Tennants Didn’t Move Out!”, and “My Neighbors Stole My Air Conditoners!”. With special bonus features as photographs of the nonexistent deadbolt lock, and the THING THAT LIVES IN THE ATTIC!

Cheers.