Every other year or so, we get real antsy on a Saturday night in the month of October.  What’re we to do?

Yesterday we spent the night running around my parent’s house with NERF guns and glowsticks, making up new games and having a hell of a time getting all the stickleburrs out of clothes.  In the long empty afternoon of Saturday, we’d played Rock Band, Boomblox to a breaking point for the day, and Wizard Staves made half of us almost toss cookies.  What’s left? Scary movies? We’ve seen them!  We’ve even seen the spanish films they’re based on!

OH YOU KNOW IT IS THE TIME TO BE GOING TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE.

Cedar Rapids’ premier haunted house, the “Haunted Mansion” is put up by the police every year.  In the old police station.  Real spooky and such.

So I wanted to let you guys know what to do if you decide to go to a haunted house this close to the Eve of Hallows.

Tip #1: The line is long.  Really long.  Just an F Y I 4 U.

Tip #9: Dress appropriately.  No, your “Daisy Duke” cut offs and plaid costume isn’t going to work out all that well in the 40 degree misting rain.  Trust me.  I dunno, go as Dr. Who.  At least he’s got a scarf.

Tip #4: Bring stuff to do.  Like a magazine, a DS, or people.  People are good.  But don’t do them.  I mean, at least not in the line.  Oh forget it, moving on.

Tip #13: Share scary stories while in line.  Not only will it rile you up for Hauntings, but the people not with you can overhear it and discuss amongst themselves how full of shit you are.  It’s great.

Tip #6: Don’t discuss international politics regarding the Kashmir province between India and Pakistan.  The guy who’s legitimately wearing a cowboy hat in front of you will turn back, look you up, look you down, decide you’re one of those hoighty-toighty city folk who know so damn much, and spit on you.  For reals.

Tip #23: If you see someone you went to high school with at the haunted house, don’t be sad.  Give them a nod or a wave, but for sweet jesus’ sake, don’t ask “What’s up?” or “How’s buisness?”.  Neither you or them care, and the conversation will likely come to a screaming halt in about 4 exchanges.  Best to just nod.  Nodding is good.

Tip #17: Don’t stuff yourself with fast food.  You’ll throw up either before, during or after the haunted house when you and your friends decide that it wasn’t all that scary, what’s really scary is drinking enough cans and taping them together so that you might pretend to be a Tusken Raider.  That’s scary.

Tip #14: Don’t go proving your knowledge of the haunted house by pointing out while in the haunted house which scares are where, and which mannequins are real dudes.  It’s not all that fun, and nobody really likes it.  ALSO, don’t go off saying how lame it is that they no longer have “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool playing when they’re doing the whole fake execution via electric chair thing.  For one, nobody cares, and two, just wow.  You listen to Drowning Pool?

Finally, Tip #11: Haunted houses aren’t nearly as much fun as hanging out with your friends, but to be honest, both are pretty great, and it at least gets you out of the house.  Good times for all, trust me.