So last night, during post-exam inebriation, some friends were talking about how it seems weird that some holidays, such as Cinco de Mayo, are really little more than pretenses for alcholism. That struck off an idea in my head, which may have already been done, but I’m too afraid to check before writing this, so I present to you my interpretation of: THE SEVEN DEADLY HOLIDAYS.

D-d-don’t look in the box below. John Doe has the upper hand.

LOOK IN THE BOX BELOW

Lust – Valentines Day
It’s cold out, you’re lonely, so you buy a pack of Twizzlers, a 1/5 of some alcoholic swill, and rent a grotesque DVD that in the light of day, or in the company of friends you’d obviously steer clear of. Don’t put it in the DVD player, what? You got it on Blu-Ray? You sinful monster.
OR
You and your unwed partner have a really nice dinner, share a few glasses of a bargain-bin wine and some laughs and then make Jesus cry. NICE GOING.

Pride – The Fourth of July
America? FUCK YEAH! Best nation on the face of the universe am I right? Hell yes I’m right, now let’s blow up some shit, ’cause we’re the bomb. Hubris. Pure. Hubris. That’ll cost you.

Sloth – Labor Day
Because sitting at a desk all day is so exhausting you need another day off to sleep in, and then upon waking, move to the couch and catch up with all the things you really wanted to do. Watching golf. Nice.

Envy – Halloween
You’ve always wanted to be someone else. Now you’ve got one night a year to do it. But you spend all night looking at other people’s costumes, wishing you’d spend as much time/money as they did, ’cause they look really, really great.

Gluttony – Thanksgiving
Do I really need to explain this one?

Greed – Xmas
Going for two.

Wrath – New Years
Listen after a year like that, you probably hate a lot of people. But mostly yourself. That’s why you’ve created a ridiculous plan to fix all your most obvious flaws within six weeks. Why would you do that too yourself– oh, yes.
OR
Your name is Khan, and you’ve been having a real hard time.

Immediately after posting this, I did a Goog, and yup, someone already wrote this (which was a given since, if I could think of it, of course someone else could) their’s uses slightly different positioning of the days.  I think most of them work just as well as mine. The write up is certainly better (mostly).