Top o’the Mornin’ and, the happiest of New Years to you!
Happy New Year Shambot!
As per usual, I’m at work right now, keepin’ it as real as I do! But I’ve decided to make a list of 10 resolutions for the Shambot! to consider, keep, and focus upon over the new year!
10: Everyone Should Buy A Nintendo Wii: Normally I don’t support such flagrant consumer-whore-ism, but let’s face it. Not a damn one of us doesn’t love Wii Sports and making an assanine amount of Miis enough NOT to buy it. So the minute you see one, get off your ass, sucker punch the curious old lady closest to the display and take what you know is rightfully yours. Then go and buy sonic the hedgehog over the Wii Store, and remember what GOOD Sonic games looked like (and forget the monstrosities of the last 5 years in the process).
9: Everyone Should Buy Their Daughter A Pony: Ok. Ok. Two consumer whore posts in a row. Listen though, you promised her that pony. If you don’t actually get it for her, realize that you’re facing a fucking terrifying trip through her adolescent years, and the minute she’s finally out of the house and you think you’re safe. . . BAM! You’re going in the nastiest retirement home she can think of. I mean there will be poop on the walls of your room, and it won’t even be yours. Think about it, ok?
8: Everyone Should Read The News: That’s right. I said read. Now I realize that Shambot! employs (not the right word, but whateva!) some of the most well read folks I know. I of course realize that most people are infact keeping up with the current events as they get all sorts of currenty and in our mix. However, I know that from time to time, I lapse and get smacked in the proverbial face with such news as “Saddam is Hung” to which I respond with an ever classic, “SAY WHAAAAAT!?” Maybe this resolution is just for me, but you should think about it too. And I said read ’cause the news networks blow. That’s right. Blow. Go read BBC, or check the feeds Joel installed when you log on. Hell yeah.
7: Everyone Should Cut Me Some Goddamn Slack: FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK. Back off, why dont’cha? Like I haven’t got enough to worry about when you’re rattling on about how your grandma is sick and shit? Or like how you’re brother can’t make it back in time for Jesus’ birthday ’cause he’s snowed in at Denver and has had to compliment his omlette with a side of his own feces? SHUT UP. PS: This isn’t a real one, I just couldn’t think of a 7th thing. Spells badly for the rest of this list doesn’t it? Yeah it does.
6: Everyone Should Buy Me A Nintendo Wii: What? I want one. I’d totally let you come over and play.
5: Everyone Should Do Something Nice For Someone Else: Though on a more serious note, this one isn’t difficult, but is something that can really mean a lot to something else. It can be anything too! You can take a buddy out for a delicious hamburger meal, or give them a nice gift certificate for a hamburger meal, write a letter reminiscing about the last time you’d eaten a delicious hamburger meal, or perhaps frame an old photo of the two of you eating hamburgers together. I dunno. Hamburgers. Hamburgers hamburgers.
4: Everyone Should Realize How Bleak The World Actually Is, And Then Remember That There’s Always Hugs and Nintendo DS/Wii: What? Touching is good. They told me so. And gave me a new way to play. But, before I can realize how nice these things are, I need to be aware that my culture is rapidly destroying the sustainable resources left on this planet, and that given current obesity trends, my children (if I ever have them) will be the most insulin deficient monsters ever to roam this orb, but that shouldn’t be too much of a bother given that due to the ongoing secularization and persecution of god fearing Christians, god has sent a wave of massive meteors are coming to kill our crack-crazed babies, that were born to unwed mothers (who secretly wish to have gay marriages), and when and if they grow up these crack-babies will come to our schools, murdering classmates in search of that elusive high that only a decent sized rock o’ Crack can provide. Following this blood letting, a wave of super SARS/AIDS will first destroy your immune system and then give you the nastiest coughing fit you’ve ever had. Yeah. It’ll suck. But hey, there’s always the DS and the Wii. You want a hug? I know I do.
3: Everyone Should Read More Comics: Listen. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Comics? Only for loser nerd-bitches, who’ll never fall in love, ’cause deep down they’re in love with being the Dungeon Master and no way are they giving that up.” Well shut your pie hole, ’cause I read comics, and I’ve not played D&D in years. God. I wish I hadn’t just wrote that. In any case, if you’re not reading comics, then you really need to. I know this doesn’t mean a lot coming from a self-proclaimed reader of “Graphic Novels”, but believe me, Pat, Joel, Ben, Brandon, Steve and Sam, you’re missing out. This is some of the most under-read fiction writing of our new century, just think how much of an pretentious indie kid it’ll make you! Suggestions? Try “Pride of Baghdad”, “Y the Last Man”, “Sandman”, “Transmetropolitan”, and “the Walking Dead”. I promise you’ll either be hooked, or never trust me again.
2: Everyone Should Grow A Moustache: MOUSTACHES? HELL YEAH! I know. I know. I know. HOW COOL ARE THOSE THINGS?! HELLA COOL, and if our new original film “Petbusters”, is any proof, I know you’re gonna want to hop on the train on the 2000’s next big thing. The mega moustache. Ok, moment of truth here. I can’t grow one. So I’m gonna try and live vicariously through all of you who can. So please, for me? Grow a moustache. When I see you, I’m gonna phase out for a bit, and be dreaming of how cool I’d look with that sweet ‘stache you grew just for me.
1: I Should Thank All Of You More For Being Who You Are: Despite the overall materialistic tone of this longwinded repository of New Years resolutions, I do want to take a final, sappy-ass detour and tell you all that you mean the world to me. My friends are the best family I’ve got, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. Some might be thinking aloud “Yeah, but I don’t really know this guy that well.” Hey. Don’t be silly. Everybody’s a VIP to someone.
Happy New Years Shambot.
Ummm… I don’t know why it went BOLD at the end. Assume that it means that those four are more important. For now, anyway.
Emma wrote:
Memo Re: #2
Please see facebook profile of Emma Trithart.
Posted on 02-Jan-07 at 5:24 pm | Permalink