Guys, I need help. I got a jones in a bad way and I know I can’t satisfy the terrible itch I’ve got. There aren’t any support groups that can help me, no doctors that can cure me.

Friends, I’ve been mad craving a Whittier Burger for about an hour now (not a joke) and I’m literally about to die. NO, SERIOUSLY. Fuuuuuck, I want one so damn bad!!! I want the bacon. I want the (cheap) guacamole. I want the burger and the cheese….. I want the bacon! Is this weird? Am I coming off as a lunatic? Should I, maybe, rethink the life choices that have brought me to this point? Perhaps, reevaluate my priorities? F U. I want a whittier burger.

But not just a whittier burger. See, I love the whole Lil’ T experience. I like watching out for Waitress McCrazy. I like watching everyone draw and then becoming jealous of their abilities and childishly drawing penises on anything they drew that even kinda looks like balls. I like the icky Lil’ T smell and the tiny Lil’ T bathrooms. I like the Jalapeño Poppers and I like telling myself that, this time, I’m going to get those Poppers with my Whittier Burger, but then deciding not to at the last moment because I’m running short on cash and SES pays exactly ass dollars and poo cents. (We ain’t whores. We don’t do it for money.) Oh yeah, and I like Whittier Burgers! ‘Cause fucko-clucko, they’re good!

(nota bene: The following is the part of the post where I lie so as to give this a “basket of kittens” ending. Don’t be fooled.)

Thanks guys, letting all that out really helped. (It didn’t.) I think I can put my Whittier Burger craving behind me now. (Nope.) I’m going to go to bed and read I nice book. (Kill me.)