5 Movies that you probably hate

But that I happened to like. Not in a condescending ironic way, and not in a guilty pleasure way. I think all these films are legitimately good, if still somewhat flawed.

1. Hellboy-

Why you probably hate it: They turned one of the greatest comics of all time into a cheesy action movie.

My Response: There is a certain structure that hollywood action movies have to adhere to. This usually makes for some pretty terrible films, however, sometimes it makes for interesting results. By forcing the material of the hellboy comics to fit this structure, Guillermo Del Toro created a really imaginative action movie, that rates along with the spiderman, x-men and batman movies as one of the greatest superhero movies there is. It’s kind of like forcing a free verse poet to write a sonnet, it’s limiting in some ways, but it forces the artist to have ideas they might not have otherwise. An example is how Hellboy’s character was given a richer, more detailed social life. Something beyond bitching about how he doesn’t want to cause the apocalypse.

2. Underworld-

Why you probably hate it: “It’s a mindless matrix rip-off were vampires fight werewolves, LAME!”

My response: I have gotten an unbelievable amount of shit for liking this movie. Especially from my uppity, todd solondz watching film-major girlfriend. Yes, vampires fight werewolves in this movie. No, that does not make it some sort flintstones meets the jetsons, alien versus predator affair, where two failing franchises are stuck together in one last attempt to make money off of them. It’s more like when Alan Moore has Mr. Hyde fight the aliens from War of the Worlds, or when Tolkien has goblins fight dwarves. Underworld creates it’s own rich fantasy world, that borrows mythical creatures from past works, and juxtaposes them in an elegant and enlightening way. Honestly, if vampires and werewolves did exist together they probably would be enemies. Underworld shows this by making the Vampires into a board of emotionless, shadowy, aristocratic figures, who rule in secret and hunt the werewolves mercilessly. Werewolves are the opposite, they are a bunch of crazed homeless animals who are barely trying to survive. Underworld creates a great history explaining the cause of this conflict, and also gives us detailed information that explains what each characters stake in it is.

3. Apocalypto-

Why you probably hate it:”Directed by Mel Gibson”

My Response: Yup, he’s crazy, alchoholic and anti-semitic. But this movie isn’t! Honestly, I have no idea why Gibson wanted to make this movie. It is basically just an awesome action movie set in an amazingly cool setting (ancient mayan society) that is recreated really accurately. Honestly, it’s actually kind of anti-religion, because it shows how fucked up mayan religious beliefs could be, and how gullible people are.

4. The Devil’s Rejects-

Why you probably hate it: Rob Zombie is a hack, and this movie is just an excuse for 2 hours worth of sadism.

My Response: Love it or hate it, “torture porn” is the future of horror. By the way, torture porn is a label I am not sure if I like or not. I think it is accurate in some ways, because both porn and gory movies seek to show that which has been deemed unshowable by most authority figures. However, it suggests that the viewer takes some sort of sexualized pleasure in watching the torture. I, however, have always felt like the gruesome intensity of these movies is something that must be endured, rather than labored over. Horror would not exist if it couldn’t show us horrific, gruesome things. Torture, just like Frankenstein or Freddy Krueger, is something so disturbing that even looking upon it repulses us so much that we are exhilarated by it. The Devil’s Rejects is a carnival of repulsion. But the most amazing thing about it is that it makes us identify and root for a trio of reprehensible sociopaths. The main characters are bad guys, without a doubt, but they are so sickeningly charismatic that we want them to win out in the end. This makes the film a perfect example of how seductive evil can be, and how people like Hitler or Charles Manson can gain so many followers.

5. Mystery Men-

Why you probably hate it-“Oh yeah, I forgot that Ben Stiller once did a shitty superhero movie instead of a shitty romantic comedy.”

My Response- Some of the best movies and tv shows about superheros are the ones that make fun of superheros. I mean, c’mon, even if you love superheros you have to admit they are a fairly ridiculous concept. I count Mystery Men, along with The Tick and Venture Bros as the greatest examples of this genre. This is because the movie has an AMAZING cast, and a really clever script in addition to looking just plain looking cool. Some of the best jokes in this movie are just the description of each characters power. For example: The Shoveler- He has the power to shovel very well. Mr. Furious- His power is to get really angry. Also, I will just point out that Tom Waits is in this movie, and Tom Waits would never be in a bad movie.

Comments (6) left to “5 Movies that you probably hate”

  1. Emma wrote:

    I frickin’ loved Hellboy and Underworld. I probably watched Underworld with a friend of mine from high school (she shall go unnamed) a good 5 times after it came out on DVD, if not more. I like those movies for the same reason I liked Van Helsing (which really is the biggest piece of crap EVERRR): they’re fun! Horror fantasy movies that take themselves seriously can be good, but I like having fun once in awhile. Actually, I like having fun at the movies a LOT. I’ve gotta make up for uppity, stanley kubrick watching ex-film-major boyfriend.

    Are you excited for the next Hellboy? I SURE AM – it’s got FRICKIN RAMMESTEIN in the trailer. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED??!?!?

  2. patrick wrote:

    Here’s what I have to say, I’ve only seen two of those movies, Hellboy and The Devils Reject. It’s not that I hate Hellboy, but it just seems like a waste of talent especially since Del Toro is doing the sequel. Then again I hear he’s a huge fan of the comic, so who am I to judge if he loves making them.

    As for torture porn, I am definitely in the hate it camp. I really hope Eli Roth and Rob Zombie aren’t the future of horror movies. Otherwise we’ll get to look forward to Saw 10 and Hostel 5! Also I do think torture porn is an good way to describe the genre. It certainly isn’t the first genre to be fascinated with gruesome destruction of the body, splatter has been around forever. I like the way splatter shows the weakness of the body, often in a humorous over the top manner. That being said, I feel like the current crop of torture porn approaches the subject of bodily injury the same way a traditional pornography approaches the subject of sex.

  3. Sam wrote:

    Emma- YES! I am glad someone agrees with me about at least two of these! I think you’re right about Van Hellsing, and I think Underworld successfully did what Van Helsing was trying to do. As for Hellboy 2, I am very excited! I didn’t know there was Rammstein in the trailer though, that kind of makes me sad, I feel like they could be a little classier. Anyway, it looks like Del Toro is gonna take all the crazy imagery of Pan’s Labyrinth and inject it into a brand new Hellboy story! Sounds like cinematic gold!

    Pat- Maybe I should recuse myself a little, since I haven’t seen Hostel 1, nor have I seen any of the Saw movies at all, but it’s like I said, I don’t think the majority of the people who go see these movies like watching the torture, because it makes you squirm and feel an intense emotional reaction. However, that reaction can be very frightening and exhilarating in the context of an interesting narrative. (Which I think movies like Severance, Hostel 2 and Rejects have.) Also, I think these, movies are all intensely self-aware. I mean, if filmmakers only cared about getting off on watching horrible things happen to people, then they could just edit together real life videos of death and destruction into feature length films, and the movie studios would probably release them in one format or another. Instead, by faking the violence, and making it a part of a narrative, a lot of these movies (at least the ones that I enjoyed) make a statement about the kind of intense violence that happens everyday. I think Hostel 2 served as a kind of modern Lord of the Flies, Severance was a politically charged commentary aimed at war profiteers, and Rejects was about the charisma of evil.

  4. Emma Barnum wrote:

    Yeah, real life torture porn sucks. I saw Faces of Death once… Worst movie ever! It started like “this is gonna scare the pants off you!” and ended (literally) with the narrator having a monologue about the preciousness of life and the credits rolling over footage of a woman walking on the beach with doves taking off behind her and “Jesus doesn’t live here anymore” playing… LAME

    And just because I’m a film major and like Todd Solendz doesn’t mean I’m uppity… I just think it’s funny that your two favorite movies are, on the worst movies ever made list, topped only by The Village and The Nutty Professor 2: Christmas with the Klumps… :)

  5. patrick wrote:

    What worst movies ever made list are you talking about? I doubt any of these movies could be considered worse than any of the Uwe Boll films.

  6. Sam wrote:

    WOAH WOAH WOAH! HOLD UP! I did not say these were my two favorite movies. In fact, none of these movies would probably make my top 10. I just enjoyed them! That’s all! As for my ten favorite flicks… welll, that’s another post altogether.

    Also, I agree with pat! There is no way these would go on a list of the worst movies ever, and I can prove it! Seriously, I just checked the IMDB bottom 100, none of these are on there.