Here he is.  This is the bad man-bird.  He touched me.

His name is Herkey, and he is the school mascot of the University of Iowa.  I’ve known Herkey to have a bit of a history.  He’s gotten in fights with other mascots, he’s booed other teams, and one time I saw him give the middle finger(feather?) to a 5 year old kid.  But I never thought I would be victim to his unfunny attempts at “Herkey Humor”.

I was at the University Fundraising Kickoff for the United Way and other local charities, taking notes on the affair and looking very dour, as I was concerned as to why the University of Iowa cheerleaders were doing pep-rally cheers for 25 odd people who were all associated with the kickoff, when all of a sudden I felt someone massaging me.  Now, I like getting massages, I’m not totally unreasonable.  But when I looked behind me expecting to see a friend, and saw that bastard.  I felt violated.  I could smell the fetid bird breath shooting out of his big yellow beak.  He then made light of the fact I was taking notes, pretending to read them and then I do believe he gestured that he did not know how to read.  How sad Herkey.  How sad.  I’ve never been to a Hawkeye sporting event of any kind, but now I’m almost afraid to go, out of fear of a post-traumatic stress breakdown.  God damn you, Herkey.